


Where Did it All Go Wrong?

by GravityUniverse115



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Mental Institution, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Tragedy, Fluff and Angst, Fragile - Freeform, Gen, Headaches & Migraines, Heavy Angst, Homeworld (Steven Universe), Jasper dies, Lashing Out, Men Crying, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Post-Episode s06e16 Fragments, Relationship(s), Shattered - Freeform, Shattering - Freeform, Steven Universe Future, Teen Angst, To Be Continued, anger issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:34:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26869732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GravityUniverse115/pseuds/GravityUniverse115
Summary: After dealing with the shattering of Jasper, Steven tries to find himself. But things will get worse before it gets better
Comments: 12
Kudos: 42





	1. Chapter 1

Steven was trapped. And not just in the bathroom. He had just revived Jasper after shattering her during training. Although now he’s starting to wonder if bringing her back was a mistake too. Considering the circumstance and the fact that Jasper is addressing him as ‘My Diamond’. His palms were sweating, mind racing, knees shaking. He couldn’t believe what he had just done. Not even his mother did something this horrific. So now, he’s left with the thought of becoming the one thing he hated most

Steven held himself in a corner of the bathroom and slid down the wall into the fetal position. He was rapidly rocking back and forth as he mumbled to himself. “This can’t be happening. I’m not like her. I’m not like her.” Jasper took notice and slowly stepped towards him. She stood in front of him, just a few feet away. Steven glanced up and nearly jumped out of his skin. He made eye contact and started panting

“Ahem, uh...my Diamond. Apologies if I am causing you distress. I can leave if you want.” Jasper saluted him. Steven stayed silent and swallowed hard. He didn’t know what to say. He wanted to speak but the words were caught in his throat

“I-I-I...uh-I d-don’t kn-know.” Each word took all his energy to get out. Nothing was ever more difficult in his life. He was cold and visibly shaking. He did want her to leave but he didn't at the same time. His mouth felt dry and his heart was beating out of his chest. Steven didn't know what to make of the situation anymore. That is until the gems started to bang on the door. **_Oh no. Shit!_**

"Steven! Are you okay?!" Pearl called out in a panicked voice as she continued to bang on the door

"C'mon man, open up! We can talk about this!" Amethyst shouted. She sounded so sincere. But the more Steven heard their voices, the more he grew nauseous. He tried so hard not to let loose. He did not feel like puking right now

"Please Steven. You can tell us anything." Garnet said. And that was it for him. Steven could not hold it back any longer. He crawled to the toilet and heaved. He was hunched over as he spilled his guts violently. A few moments later, his stomach finally settled. He remained still, gasping for air

Jasper kindly handed him a towel. "Here."

Steven looked over his shoulder and shakily took it from her. "Th-Thanks." He wiped off his mouth and face. He slowly got up to his feet and rinsed out his mouth. His breathing was heavier than ever. Like there was a weight on his chest.

The gems were knocking on the door yet again. Now Steven was met with a choice. Come face-to-face with them or run away again. Of course for him, the latter was preferred

He turned to Jasper with a pleading look in his eyes. “Jasper? Will you open the door when I tell you to? And only when I say so.”

Jasper nodded firmly. “As you wish my Diamond.” Those words sent chills up his spine. He never thought anyone would call him that in his life. Steven made a mental note of correcting her later. He stood up straight, closed his eyes, and took a deep breath. **_They may hate you after this. But there is always Homeworld. Just do it!_ **

He opened his eyes yet again and gave Jasper the signal. “Go.” She saluted yet again and turned the doorknob. Suddenly she slammed open the door. She slammed it so hard that the wall cracked

Jasper paused and then spoke. “I present, my Diamond.” She sidestepped out of the way to reveal Steven in the doorway. He had a horrified look and sweat dripping down his face. Nothing could prepare him for this

The gems immediately ran up to him. Pearl started shouting. "Steven! What happened to you?!"

"And why is Jasper calling you 'My Diamond'?!" Amethyst questioned

But Steven never answered any of it. He kept his head down low and looked at his feet. "I...shattered Jasper." Then he walked away. Like nothing ever happened 

Pearl began yelling at him. "What?! Steven, get back here! Where are you going?!"

"Steven!!" Garnet yelled back. As a 13-14 year old, that would've scared him enough to make him come back. But now, nothing could scare him enough as much as he was scaring himself. Steven went upstairs and headed towards the warp pad next to the balcony. The gems and Jasper followed him up

Pearl called out yet again. "Steven, wait!." The boy sighs and put up a barrier between him and the gems. Pearl bangs on it. "Steven please! We can talk this out."

Steven looked over his shoulder. "What's there to talk about? I'm a shatterer. I love you guys but I need to be where I belong now."

"No, you're not-" He cut her off

"Oh come on! OPEN YOUR EYES! I killed someone! Aren't you mad at me?!" Steven yelled, sending out a cloud of dust

Garnet softened her expression. "Steven we could never be upset with you. Just come with us. Everything will be okay-" He cut her off yet again

"NO!!!!!!! IT'S NOT OKAY!!!! Don't follow me!!" He warped away without another word

The gems looked down. Pearl whispered to Garnet. "Should we try to find him? What if he does something reckless?"

Garnet shook her head. "It'll make matters worse. Let's give him space right now." The gems headed back to the living room while Jasper still waited for Steven. Garnet and Amethyst sat on the couch and Pearl was in the kitchen. She leaned over the counter and pulled out her phone

"I'm calling Greg and Connie." She was about to dial the numbers when Amethyst stopped her

"Wait, P! Maybe Steven should tell them himself when he's ready." She placed a hand on Pearl's shoulder

Pearl glanced at Amethyst then at her phone, and finally back at Amethyst. She sighed and put her phone back in her gem. Pearl smiled weakly at her and nodded. "You're right Amethyst. It's Steven's story to tell. Not ours." Pearl sat down at the table. "I just hope he'll be okay..."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you are enjoying it so far. It's about to get a whole lot more angsty hehe

As Steven warped to Homeworld, he prayed that he wouldn’t have to run into any of the other Diamonds besides White. He had one goal in mind and he was determined to get it done without any distractions. Hopefully there wouldn’t be any other gems in the hallway as well. Being the saviour of the galaxy attracts a lot of unwanted attention. And after dealing with the gems, he was not in the mood for any of it

He still can’t figure out why they didn’t hate his guts. Probably because _he_ hated his guts. Steven really fucking hated himself. To the point where he felt like he deserves to be punished. So why didn’t the gems hate him as much as he hated himself? He’s worse than his own mother. And that’s saying something. He did in fact _shatter_ someone. Steven wanted the gems to hate him. He deserves it. But instead they still pretend everything is fine

That was one of the things about the gems that get on his nerves. It feels like they expect him to be happy all the time. He should feel that everything is okay. But it’s not. He hasn’t been happy for a long time. But he kept lying to himself. Almost like he brainwashed himself without meaning to. And the gems enabled it. It was something Steven just noticed not too long ago. Now, he can’t stand it. Which is why he has to get as far away from the gems as possible. Right now, he wants nothing to do with them. For his sake and theirs

He’s scared of himself. Steven has already hurt so many people. He wants to stop himself before he hurts someone else. And White is the only one who can help him. He’s already tried everything else. Steven didn’t want it to come to this but he has no other option. He doesn’t have the greatest relationship with White Diamond. Especially after she pulled out his gem and almost killed him. Like most gems he’s met. Although now whenever someone tries to touch his gem, he flinches and panics a little. The only person allowed to touch it is Connie. He completely trusts her and she’s always gentle about it. The last person he wants to be around is White. But she’s the only gem in the universe that can enact his ‘brilliant’ plan

However when he warped there, the halls were empty. Not a single gem in sight. He expected to be swarmed by other gems and pestered with multiple questions. He paused and looked around to make sure. **_Huh, I guess the coast is clear._ **He carefully stepped off the warp pad and anxiously walked down the corridors. As much as he wanted this, it didn’t mean he wasn’t any less nervous about it. However he knew there was a possibility it wouldn’t work which made him equally on edge. His mind was racing at a mile per minute. He just wanted it to be done and over with ASAP

When he reached the halfway point in the long stretch of halls, a certain gem spotted him from a distance. It was the gem the Diamonds took in as their own, Spinel. “Steven!” She shouted. Spinel outstretched her arms pulling her closer to Steven, and gave him a big kiss on the lips

Unfortunately, that did not bode well with Steven. He turned pink yet again as his anger spiked up tenfold. “Spinel, what the hell is wrong with you?!” He snarled and gritted his teeth. You could cut the tension with a knife. Steven was already in a bad mood. He did not have time for Spinel’s antics

Spinel’s warm smile immediately disappeared when she noticed his distress. “Woah, sorry buddy. You okay? You seem a bit touchy. Not that I blame you.” She quietly chuckled and hand waved. Spinel always knew how to lighten the mood

But Steven was having none of it. He rubbed his forehead and took a deep breath to calm down. Once the pink faded away, he spoke carefully as to not step on any toes. “Uhh I’ve just been going through a hard time. Look I need to speak to White.”

“No kiddin. You never call, you never write. I can escort you to her if you like.” Spinel softly smiled and put her hands behind her back

Steven wanted to object but he knew she would come along anyway so he agreed. The two continued to walk together to White’s room at the end. Steven was still pretty irritated by Spinel’s presence. She didn’t leave a nice first impression when they met. He does admit that he’s a really big jerk sometimes but right this moment, he’s past the point of caring. He was done with everyone and everything around him

Spinel’s curiosity got the better of her and pestered Steven with a question. “Soooo...why do you want to see White?

Steven rolled his eyes. “None of your business.” He felt that if he told her, she would try to stop him. Of course she would. Spinel is just looking out for her friend. But to Steven, she was just like the other gems. Getting in the way and acting like a nuisance 

Spinel was a bit surprised Steven would say something like that. That’s not the Steven she knows and loves. But she let it go for now, giving him benefit of the doubt. Maybe it wasn’t that bad after all

Eventually the two made it to the end of the hall to White’s room. Spinel opened the door and announced their presence. “Hey White! Look who’s here!” She said as she waved a hand in the air 

White was connecting with other gems when they came in. Somehow she managed to reverse engineer her mind control power and see the thoughts of other gems. While also letting them control her. It’s not much but it’s something in the right direction. She sat in a meditation position to keep her focus. When she heard Spinel she opened her eyes, and smiled. “Oh Steven! What a wonderful surprise. What brings you back?” She asked politely

“I found him in the halls!” Spinel added in her cheerful tone. Which once again rubbed Steven the wrong way

Steven sighed out of irritation and rolled his eyes once more. He cleared his throat and spoke carefully. “Hi, White. There’s something I want to talk to you about. Alone.” He glared at Spinel after he said that last bit

Spinel frowned and shrunk. She slowly sidestepped over towards the door. She didn’t want to leave Steven alone but was smart enough to know that arguing would make everything worse. So she left without a hitch. “I’ll just...be out here.” Spinel walked out and closed the door behind her

White got down on her knees to be closer to Steven. “Now that we’re alone, what’s troubling you?” She asked and grinned

Steven started anxiously sweating and twiddling his fingers. He knew this was coming, but he could never be ready for it. Not for something like this. He took a deep breath before speaking. “I-I’m scared. I’m scared of myself. I don’t want to hurt anyone else.” Steven started tearing up at just recalling the incident

White Diamond was visibly confused and cocked an eyebrow. “What do you mean? Have you already hurt somebody?” Steven looked down in shame and nodded. “I see. Well I’m sure it’ll be okay Steven. You’re still learning about your newfound power.” She said with sincerity in her voice

Steven clenched his fists and kept his head down. “No, that’s not it.” He swallowed and held back a sob. “I shattered someone!” White gasped. Steven looked back up with tears rolling down his face. “Please White. I need you to control me. I don’t want to hurt anyone else.” He pleaded with desperation in his voice

White was shocked at what he was asking. She hasn’t known Steven very long but she knew him enough to know that this isn’t like him. Whatever was going on must be terrible for him to experience. But putting him under mind control might be even worse. Worse than death. She blinked a few times and chose her next words carefully. “Steven. Do you realize what you’re asking?”

 **_For god’s sake of course I know._ **Steven nodded. “I know this is risky but I’m too dangerous. I don’t want to hurt my family.” Steven was genuinely terrified of hurting the ones he loves. The mere idea is heartbreaking. He’d never forgive himself if he hurt any of the gems, his dad, or….Connie. Injuring any of them would break his heart into a million pieces

White understood this. But she also knew that his family wouldn’t be happy to see him as an empty shell of his former self. Either way, it wasn’t going to be pretty. “I’m sorry Steven, I can’t do this.”

Steven immediately stopped crying and snarled. “ _What?”_ He actually couldn’t believe White turned him down. It was almost like an insult to him. Denying his request to protect his family

“What about your family? They’ll miss you terribly.” She said in the most sincere way

“Are you serious?! This _is_ about my family!” He yelled and gritted his teeth

White Diamond frowned and sighed. “I understand Steven but-” Before she could finish her sentence, Steven cut her off

“No! You _don’t_ understand! When have you ever been afraid of your own powers?!” His shouting echoed throughout the room and created a cloud of dust

“Steven, there is nothing to be afraid of. It’ll be okay.” She calmly spoke

Steven gripped the sides of his head and shut his eyes. “YOU’RE NOT LISTENING TO ME!!!” He dropped to his knees and screamed at the top of his lungs. Much like his pink half did a couple years ago. A crater formed underneath him and the pillars in the room shattered

He screamed until his voice started to fade. It sucked all the energy out of him. Afterwards, he fell onto his hands and panted. His fighting spirit disappeared and all he wanted to do was sleep

White noticed how awful he looked. His hair was a mess, his eyes were bloodshot red, and his voice was hoarse. Concern flashed across her face. “Steven, I’m sorry you’re so upset. Maybe you should get some rest.”

Steven didn’t say anything and simply tried to stand up. He got one foot underneath him and slowly pushed himself up off the ground. As soon as he stood up, he immediately lost his balance but just as quickly regained. “B-Bye White.” He said in a cracked voice. Once he felt steady enough, Steven turned around and limped out the door

He didn’t get far before Spinel caught up to him. “I can help. Let’s get you to Pink’s room.” She coiled an arm around Steven’s arm to keep him steady. His face was stuck in a frown and could barely keep his eyes open

Spinel felt him shift his weight to lean on her a bit. She didn’t mind though. She was just glad to help. Good lord he needs it with the condition he’s in. Steven nearly fell asleep while walking back down the hall

A minute later, they finally reached the room. Spinel made Steven lean against a wall while she had the Pebbles construct a bed for him. As soon as they were done, Spinel rushed back to Steven’s aid. She waved a hand in front of his face to get his attention. “Hey buddy. The bed is ready.” She said in a hushed whisper

Steven got back on his feet and limped to the freshly made bed. The Pebbles even knitted a blanket and pillow. Steven groaned as he sat down

Spinel put her hands behind her back and smiled softly. “Need anything else?”

Steven shook his head. “No. Thank you Spinel.” He spoke in a rough voice

“Anytime man.” Spinel helped him get situated. “If you need anything, just let me know. You’re my friend…..Heh it’s funny how things worked out, you know?” She turned and saw Steven was already passed out. His eyes shut as soon as his head hit the pillow

Spinel chuckles and pulls the blanket over him. “Goodnight Steven.” She turned around to walk out the door and shut it behind her


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spinel and the gems confront Steven

From that point on, all was peaceful on Homeworld. The Diamonds went on with their duties. Meanwhile Spinel sat right outside the room Steven was sound asleep in. She didn’t want to leave just in case he needed something. Spinel was beyond concerned for her friend. She was scared and confused. She wanted to help him but all he keeps doing is lashing out. Spinel didn’t know what to do. She just wants to be a good friend

Later that afternoon, the warp pad was active. The blue light disappeared to reveal Amethyst, Garnet, and Pearl. Steven didn’t tell them where he was going but Garnet was able to figure it out. The trio stepped off the warp pad and walked down the empty halls, looking for their boy. Their boy who was in trouble and hoped to be okay

Spinel was sitting with her legs crossed in front of the door. When she glanced over to the side, she waved at the gems and stood up. The gems came sprinting towards her. “Spinel, have you seen Steven?” Garnet said

She suddenly got very anxious. “Umm…” She peeked through the door and faced the gems again. “Yes but I don’t think he wants to see anyone right now. He’s been sleeping in there for the last ten hours.”

The gems stood there silent for a moment. Then Garnet nodded. “C’mon guys, let’s let him get some rest. Thank you Spinel.” The three of them walked away and waited patiently for their boy to wake up

* * *

About two hours later, Steven finally awoke. He slowly opened his eyes and groaned. For a second he almost forgot where he was. Then his vision cleared. **_Oh, right._ **Steven carefully sat up and stretched. Taking in his surroundings, he sighed. He knew the gems must be worried sick but right now he didn’t care. They can worry all they want. He was going to take care of himself

He stood and peeked his head out the door. Spinel noticed and quickly walked up to him. “Hey buddy. How are you feeling?” She smiled softly while blocking his view of the room outside

Steven noticed her odd behavior and became confused. “Uhhh okay I guess.” His voice was still recovering but it wasn’t as bad. “I’m still a little sore. Are..you okay?”

Spinel became very nervous and forced a bigger smile. “Who? Me? I’m fine! A-Okay!” She started nervously sweating

Steven narrowed his eyes at her. “You know you’re a terrible liar, right?” He said in a blunt tone

Spinel sighed and sidestepped through the door. She gently shut the door behind her, careful not to draw attention to themselves. “Okay, fine. The gems are here looking for you.”

Steven’s expression faded into shock, then anger. His heart dropped to the pit of his stomach. “ _What?!_ ” He spoke in an irritated tone. His voice filled to the brim with resentment. “Are you serious?! They’re here?!” Steven paced around the room and ran his fingers through his hair

Spinel tried her best to talk some sense into him. “Wait, let me explain.”

But he did not want any part of it. “Just stop! How could you do this to me?!”

Spinel scoffed. “ _Excuse me?_ ” She crossed her arms

He placed a hand on his hip. “Why did you let them in?!” He took a step forward

“I’m sorry but they’re your family! They have a right to know where you are!” Spinel retorted back

“And I have a right to be left alone for a few hours!” Steven took another step forward. The two were now almost touching noses, inches away from each other’s face

But Spinel stood her ground with him. “Steven, you were asleep for 13 hours. I think a check-in is long overdue.” She said softly. Steven’s expression immediately dropped. It was a little difficult to keep track of time on Homeworld. He truly had no clue how long it had been. He felt incredibly guilty for pinning the blame on Spinel for this. He backed off. “You think I don’t know what it’s like to feel neglected? Or to hate yourself? Then you really don’t know me, Steven Universe.”

Steven sighed. “I’m sorry. I’ve just been dealing with a lot.” He looked down at his feet

Spinel chuckled and grabbed his hand. Steven gasped and looked back up. “Don’t worry about it. We all have trouble sometimes. I’ll let in your family.” She smiled softly and turned around

Steven smiled back and waited for the door to open. As soon as it did, the gems came rushing in. The smile on his face immediately faded into a look of uneasiness. His stomach was doing flips. Like an athlete in a gymnasium

The gems came to a halt, keeping a distance of 6 feet between them and Steven. Amethyst spoke first. “Dude, you don’t look so good. You gotta tell us what’s going on.”

“Please Steven, talk to us.” Garnet said

Steven took a deep breath and collected his thoughts. “I’m scared, okay?! I-I don’t want to hurt any of you. I’m too dangerous to be around. And I’m tired of pretending that everything is fine! Even after I shattered Jasper.” He dropped to his knees

The gems looked at each other then back at Steven. Garnet chose her next words carefully. “Steven, hiding from this won’t solve anything. And we’re so sorry if we ever made you feel like you couldn’t talk to us.” She got down on her knees next to him

Pearl stepped forward. “Steven, I know how awful it feels to keep a part of yourself secret. You shouldn’t have to hide anything from us. We’re family. And we’ll get through this together.” She crouched down next to Garnet

Then Amethyst walked up. “Look, I know you feel bad. Sometimes it feels like you’re never gonna love yourself. But it’s possible man. And I’ll help you like you helped me.”

Garnet smiled. “Steven, we want to be there for _you_ now. You were there for us when we fell apart. Now it’s our turn. Whenever you need us, we’ll be there. We love you so much Steven. And no matter what happens, we always will.” The three started tearing up

Steven looked up at them stunned. He did not expect that answer from them. His eyes filled with tears as well. “B-But I thought you’d h-hate me.” His bottom lip started quivering

Garnet placed a hand on his shoulder. “We could never hate you.”

It took a minute for the words to sink in. But once they did, a flood of emotions appeared. Steven began to whimper and tried to hold back tears. As all three gems pulled him into a tight hug, hell broke loose. Steven couldn’t keep it together anymore. He started sobbing uncontrollably. Which soon turned into wailing. All that pain was finally being released

They stayed huddled together for a while, giving comfort to the tired boy. All of them were crying soon. The healing has begun

Spinel peeked her head through the door and watched from a distance, smiling silently

Another 20 minutes passed and Steven finally settled down. He clinged to the gems like his life depended on it. They all eventually stood up and walked out. Before they warped out, Steven faced Spinel. “Hey Spinel? Thanks for everything.”

She hand waved in his direction. “Sure, what are friends for.” She grinned and nervously rubbed the back of her head

Just as quick as they appeared, the gems and Steven were gone. Heading back to the sanctuary of their home


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven develops a new habit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW this features self harm and suicide. Read at your own risk

It was mid-day when Steven and the others warped home. Still mentally exhausted from all that has transpired. Even the events from a week or so ago were still fresh in his mind. Connie's rejection, being in the hospital, crashing the van with Greg inside, and of course...shattering Jasper. He felt nauseous again. It was becoming too much. All these things from so many different people. No wonder he was having so many pink outbursts. It was one after another. And it never stops 

"Steven?" Pearl snapped him out of his daze

"Huh?" He soon realized in the moment that he had turned pink. **Gotta keep my** **emotions under control.** He took a deep breath and waited for the glow to disappear

Pearl raised an eyebrow. "Are you okay?" She knew something was off. And after witnessing his mini breakdown, she wanted to make sure he was alright. For everyone's sake

Steven nodded and inhaled. "Yeah. Just lost in thought, I guess." He bit his lip, trying hard to swallow back the puke. He refused to spill his guts once again. Not now in front of the gems. So he held back

Once his stomach settled, he decided to head to his bedroom and relax. He gently shut the door behind him as to not to cause a commotion. He stepped further in and landed on his bed, bouncing a little as he did so with a deep sigh. He laid still for a few moments, staring up at the ceiling. Steven began pondering his life up till this point. For the majority of his childhood, he's always helped others be better people and do good in the world. Now he can't even do that for himself

He's messed up so many countless times and he hasn't learned a single thing from it. He was so hyper focused on fixing his mother's mistakes and not being like her. But everything was piling on-top of each other. It was a lot. Like, a shit-ton to deal with. He was dealing with too much from too many people. Such as Amethyst with her insecurities and self loathing. Steven was the one who always made her feel better about herself. He picked her up when she was down. They were quartz siblings at heart and he wouldn't trade it for anything. However, he developed his own form of self loathing. Nowadays, he can't fucking stand himself

Then we have Garnet, the fusion who always looked out for him. Most of the time, she tried her hardest to be strong for everyone. Always an ally or a shoulder to cry on. You can count on her for anything. But even the strongest people have their limits. Sometimes it was too much for the fusion and she would separate into Ruby and Sapphire. Those were the moments that Steven remembered the most. Specifically the time in the motel. Ruby, being the fiery enraged gem who often lost her cool. And Sapphire, the icey calm gem who kept everything bottled up. At the time, Steven didn't know what to do. He was so focused on trying to help and became fed up with it all. And just like them, he now lashes out and keeps his emotions inside at all times. A self fulfilling prophecy

Finally we have Pearl. The perfectionist who was always a mother figure to Steven. And the gem he looked up to the most. She was always so dedicated. Even though sometimes it was for the wrong reasons. There was one thing in particular Pearl had trouble with. And it annoyed the fuck out of Steven. Pearl never let go of her feelings for his mother and constantly saw her in him. She tried to project her wishes onto the kid and he hated it. It still grinds his gears when he thinks about the circumstance. Mainly because it's the reason he feels so much pressure to live up to her. He knows better now but that doesn't mean it still doesn't effect him

Steven was done. He was done with everything 

He wanted nothing more than to get away from it all. He just wanted it to stop. He wanted to be left alone with his thoughts and figure things out for himself. Anything would be better than this. He can't even remember the last time he felt genuine happiness. He was...numb. He desperately wants to feel something again. It doesn't have to be joy. It can be any emotion. **Please, just** **anything!** He was like a little kid crying out for help. Wanting to escape this prison he was trapped in. But no one could hear him. He keeps calling out and no answer. Just himself in a cold, dark tunnel. No light peeking through 

Sometimes he thinks he would be better off dead. Maybe everyone would be happier without him and he wouldn't be a burden. **Maybe it** **would be better that way. Nobody will miss me. I can end it right here**. Steven thought about maybe removing his gem

He looked around to make sure no one was watching. Steadily he took his hand to his bare gemstone and clasped his fingers around the outer rim. He took a deep breath and slowly started pulling up. The more he pulled, the tighter it got. He grunted as the pain seeped through him, sweating profusely. Suddenly thoughts of White Diamond ran through him. Her sinister smile as she yanked out Steven's gem. He immediately let go and yelped as he did so. He laid still on his bed, panting

He suddenly felt out of breath after all that. The walls were closing in on him. The air getting thinner and thinner with each breath. Steven grabbed the sides of his head and held tight. Spiraling into a panic attack. **I** **can't breathe. I can't breathe!** He was left gasping for air, hyperventilating 

There was a knock on the door that made him nearly jump off the bed. A voice was heard on the other side as the door creaked open. "Steven? Are you okay?" Surprisingly enough, it was Pearl. As she peered into the room, she gasped at the sight of the trembling boy

Steven desperately looked up at her with tears in his eyes. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't slow down his breathing

The gem walked towards him with care emanating from her. She bent down and wrapped the boy in her arms. The warmth eventually helped him calm down. She held him tight and rubbed his back. "Shhhh it's okay. I'm here." Pearl whispered gently

Steven closed his eyes and sighed in content. "Thank you."


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven reflects

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not updating in a couple months. I've been dealing with my own shit. This'll sort of be a venting chapter. And sorry it's pretty short. I hope you enjoy regardless

Steven remained in Pearl's arms for the better part of 30 minutes. His mind was spiraling with so many thoughts. About himself, his situation, and everything that lead up to this point. From his early childhood to the present. The moment he was born, he was never going to be a normal kid. As much as he wanted it, it wasn't going to happen. No matter how many times he wished for it. And that's the sad truth of it all

He never got the chance to go to school or go to the doctor. Sure he had gem powers but his father could have at least tried to give him back his human side. Right? That's what Steven kept telling himself. He always held on to the slightest bit of hope that he could lead a normal life. But another part of him was saying that he was just lying to himself. He's only fooling himself. After everything that's happened to him, he can never go back on it. It's too late

Now he also worries what others think of him. Which never used to be a problem. As a child, he never cared how people saw him. Everyone in Beach City accepted him for who he was. Gem powers and all. But as soon as outsiders came in, he had no idea how to approach them. He constantly feels like people are silently judging him. Or looking at him weird. But that's just how he feels. That doesn't necessarily make it true. Ever since he met Connie's new friends, he realized just how out of touch he was with his human side. He made a complete fool of himself. Afterwards, he berated himself for it. Calling himself an idiot and wishing he was different. Wishing for a life he would never have

Ever since, his view of himself has gotten progressively worse. And having to live up to everyone's expectations certainly didn't help. Pressure to be someone he's not. He felt stuck. Helpless to do anything. Drowning in an endless sea of regret and pain. He was pinned to a wall. And for the longest time, he felt like he couldn't show any of this. He pretended to be happy. Pretended that everything was okay. It was suffocating. He always felt like he was gasping for air. Waiting for it all to just stop. He desperately wanted all of it to stop for a little while. So he could finally take a breath. Unfortunately that's not how it worked. But boy did he wish it did

It was all too much for him. He feels like he could snap at any given moment. It wouldn't take much at this point. He was hanging on by a thread. His mind was waiting for that final straw to push him off the edge. To push him into the dark, bottomless abyss within him. Part of him was concerned what would happen if he ever got that far. Another part was hopeless and thought it should just happen and be done with. Just get it over with. Needless to say, he was dangling with not much to hold on to

These two sides of him would constantly bicker with each other. Two very different voices in his head telling him two completely different things at once. It was overwhelming at times. It was sometimes the result of his outbursts. Whenever the voices become too overpowering, he lashes out at the people in front of him. It was scary for him. He scared himself by how much damage he could do. He's hurt so many people. And worse, he shattered somebody. Something that is worse than death itself 

He never thought he was capable of something like that. The training, at first, was exhilarating. He felt like someone was finally helping him. Maybe he wasn't in the right mindset to be asking Jasper for advice. But he felt like he ran out of options. He went to a last resort. It kinda worked in the beginning. However after a while, he lost control yet again. He didn't even recognize himself. It was like he turned into a completely different person. Consumed by hatred and sick pleasure in beating people. Someone totally opposite of what he's been all his life

So many different things happening. It was frustrating. _He_ was frustrated. Nothing was more painful than what he has gone through. When he finally exited out of Pearl's arms, he felt...empty


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven and Greg have a talk. It doesn't end the way he expected

Steven got up the next day feeling more hollow than before. He was numb. He found it difficult to feel any sort of emotion. Happiness, sadness, anger, fear, frustration, nothing. Not an ounce of passion on his face. He got up at 5am. His hair disheveled and eyes red from lack of rest. His constant nightmares kept him from getting hardly any sleep. Every time he closed his eyes, images of what happened flashed through his mind. He would wake up in a cold sweat and his heart beating a mile per second. Eventually he lost hope of ever getting any rest and got out of bed

He made his way down the stairs with a blank look in his eyes. No light in them. Only darkness. Steven yawned as he headed to the kitchen to brew himself a cup of coffee. When it was done, he sat down at the dining table and sipped on his drink. He hoped maybe it would help keep him awake

As he sat there, Pearl came from another room and noticed him nonchalantly drink his coffee. After what happened the other day, she became concerned for his wellbeing. Seeing him in this state was heartbreaking for her. So she decided to try to support Steven as much as possible. She carefully approached him and chose her next words with caution. "Hello Steven. What are you doing up this early?"

He let out a deep sigh. "I couldn't sleep. So here I am." He weakly smiled in a sarcastic way, almost with malice towards his own mind. He hated how active his imagination was. It was torture. No matter how hard he tried, his mind refused to stop racing. It was nonstop all night. Like a plague. It wouldn't leave him alone. The shattering and crashing the van were memories that haunted him

**_Dad..._ **

Steven still needed to apologize to him. He almost killed him. Or at least seriously hurt him. Thank god nothing happened. Steven could never forgive himself if something bad did happen to his father. It's bad enough that he crashed the van to begin with. He needed to make it up to Greg...somehow. He wasn't sure how but he knew where to start. There was just no telling what would happen or how he would react. What if Greg hated him? That'd be another nightmare for Steven. He's been putting it off for that reason. But he can't run forever. He has to face his fear eventually. And today will be that day

Sure he was running on 4 hours of sleep but he can push through it. He's made it through far worse. This should be nothing for him. Right?

He was snapped back to reality by Pearl, who snapped her fingers in front of his face. Apparently he had been staring off into space without realizing it. Steven shook his head and looked up at the gem in front of him. "Steven? Are you okay? Maybe you should try getting some more rest." She said with a concerned look on her face

"I'm fine. There's no use trying right now. Besides I have something I need to do." Steven took one more sip of his coffee and stood up like he was on a mission, ready to tackle whatever challenge awaited him

Pearl became increasingly worried about him. He has had quite a few mental breakdowns in the past couple days and countless nightmares. It was only natural she'd worry. She saw Steven as her own son and wasn't about to sit back and watch him do this to himself. She walked forward and stopped him dead in his tracks. "I understand you have things to do but you can't stay awake forever. Please..let me help you. I can help you sleep tonight when you get back."

He thought about it for a moment, eyes darting down to his feet. Then he forced a smile across his face. "Okay. Thanks Pearl." Part of him only said that to get her to leave him alone. But another part of him did want her help. The idea of Pearl being there with him gave him a little peace of mind. It was comforting in a way, knowing that he won't be in the room by himself. Knowing that someone was there for him. It was a nice feeling. He wished he felt that way more often. Maybe one day he will

One thing at a time right now. First he needed to talk to his dad. It wasn't going to be pleasant but it had to be done. He had to get through this so he could have a somewhat clear conscience. It's the only way he could start healing. The only way he could start feeling like himself again. Steven headed out to his car and drove in the direction of the car wash. When he arrived, he turned off the engine and sat in the car for a minute. He had to mentally prepare himself for what was to come. He pressed his head against the steering wheel, closed his eyes, and took a deep breath. He was nervous beyond belief. But he just had to do it for the sake of everyone involved 

**_This is it. Now or never_ **

He exhaled slowly and steadied himself. Then he finally worked up the courage to step out of the vehicle. His mind racing as he walked up to the van. Steven raised up a hand to knock on the back doors but hesitated. _Should I really do this?_ It's too late to back out now. He was already there. Without a second thought, he pounded his hand against the metal doors. A few moments later, they swung open to reveal Greg crouched down on his knees. Steven gave a slight hand wave and a weak, tired smile. "Hi dad."

Greg's expression immediately dropped to one of concern and fatherly love. "Steven, are you okay? You look awful." He took notice of his son's off-putting appearance. The messy hair, the gloomy demeanor, the red baggy eyes. Greg wasn't used to seeing him like this. Steven was always so happy and cheerful. It made him wonder what could've happened to make him like this

Steven was a bit ticked about the comment on him looking awful but he shrugged it off for now. "I'm fine. I just didn't sleep well last night. Can we maybe talk for a minute?" He began nervously rubbing the back of his head. His anxiety increasing by the second 

"Sure bud." Greg sat on the edge of the vehicle and enticed Steven to do the same. He did so and sat next to his father. He folded his hands in his lap and refused to make any eye contact. He was too scared to. Afraid of rejection for what he was about to say. Steven was silently biting his tongue, trying to find the words. Greg noticed his struggle and did his best to be supportive. He put an arm around his shoulder. "Hey. It's okay. You can tell me anything." He smiled down at the boy

The hybrid clenched his fists and shut his eyes tight. It took all he had to keep it together. He tried to calm himself down but none of it worked. His mind felt like it was going to explode. _Why can't I do it?!_ He couldn't understand why this was so difficult for him. He wanted to just run away and never look back. But he couldn't. Eventually, the dam broke. Steven reached across to hug his father and began sobbing into his shirt. He couldn't take it anymore. Greg was shocked at the sudden display. "Woah, Steven! What's gotten into you?" He asked with full sincerity

The boy hiccuped as he tried to get the words out. "I-I'm sorry I crashed th-the v-van! A-And I'm sorry I sh-shattered Jasper! It was an accident! I didn't mean to! I-"

"Slow down kiddo! You shattered someone?" Steven couldn't get anything out and only nodded. Greg pulled him in tighter and rubbed his head to soothe him. "Steven, don't worry about the van. It's seen worse days. And shattering somebody...I do know it is a big deal but you are not like those other gems. I know you better than that. So I'm not upset with you, if that's what you're wondering."

What he said hit a nerve for Steven. Who was he to say that he knew him better. He was the one that thought it'd be better if he lived with gems. And now look at him. Clearly Greg knew nothing about him. He wiped the tears off his face and looked up. "What?! What do you mean?! Why aren't you mad at me?!" None of it was making sense to Steven. He expected his father to be angry. He _deserved_ it. So why wasn't he?

Greg raised an eyebrow at the boy. "Why _would_ I be mad?"

The hybrid was starting to get increasingly pissed off at him. "Uh maybe because I killed someone!" He tried to emphasize it so hopefully his dad would understand 

"But you said it was an accident. So it's okay." Greg tried to ease his son the best he could

Unfortunately, it wasn't working. Steven was getting more and more infuriated by the second. He quickly stood up and faced Greg. "No, it's not okay! Stop saying it will be!" He clenched his fists and bared his teeth at him

Greg put his hands up in the air and stood up as well. "Steven, calm down." He wasn't sure why his son was acting this way. Steven was always such a caring and understanding kid. It's not like him to snap like this. Whatever he went through must have been really bad 

Steven flashed bright pink, spreading from his cheeks down the rest of his body. "Don't tell me to calm down!! You don't know what it's like to be afraid of yourself. I-I'm worse than mom!" More tears flowed down his face as he gritted his teeth and gripped the sides of his head. His mind was spiraling further and further. Everything around him became a hazy blur. He was trying to make sense of everything but thoughts kept invading his mind. There was a sharp ringing in his ears. He could faintly hear Greg saying something to him but couldn't make out what it was

" _Son, it's_ _gonna be okay."_ Greg slowly walked towards him, reaching out a hand. One foot after the other. He wanted so badly to be there for his son and help him in any way he can. He wanted to be the parent that his parents never were. He noticed as he got closer that Steven was visibly shaking. Practically trembling out of...fear? Anxiety? Sadness? Greg wasn't sure what it was but something was taking hold of him, consuming him. It could be trouble if he didn't act fast

Steven gripped tighter on his head and shut his eyes. He was panicking more and more as time passed. His mind was going in a million different directions. Unable to focus on any one thing. Except for one intrusive thought. **You are a** **horrible person!**

 _No._ He was nearly screaming at himself 

**Everyone is gonna** **realize just what a fraud you are!**

 _Stop it._ A few whimpers escaped from his mouth

**You are a monster!**

_Stop!!_

**How** **could anyone love such an evil person like you?**

_No!!!_

Steven felt a presence growing closer and closer to him. In his panicked emotional state, he thought it was someone resembling Pink Diamond. To his mind, he could see a faint pink silhouette walking closer to him. When in reality it was only his father. All of a sudden, Steven's eyes shot wide open. His look was almost deranged. "DON'T TOUCH ME!!!" He screams at the top of his lungs as Greg was about to lay a hand on him. The boy swings his arms back while a cloud of dust floods the area. Greg gets blown back into the side of the van and collapses on the ground. He groaned and got up on his hands and knees

The boy started panting from the exertion. It took Steven a second to realize what he just did. His vision cleared and his mind once again slowed down to a steady pace. He didn't remember what happened before but now all he sees is his poor, defenseless father on the floor. Most likely in pain from the collision. Steven gasped and placed his hands over his mouth. Greg steadily pulled himself back up and tried to appear strong for his son. Steven slowly backed away, a look of horror on his face. He couldn't believe what he was witnessing. He wanted so bad for it to not be real. He _refused_ for it to be real. So he acted on instinct and ran back to his car sobbing. "Steven, wait!" Greg tried to call out to him but it was no use. Steven wouldn't stop for anything 

Steven quickly got in the vehicle, slamming the door shut. He pressed as hard as he could on the gas petal and drove off. He didn't know where he was going but that didn't matter to him. Any place was better than there. All he wanted was to get as far away as possible 


End file.
